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I am 100% confident that if I ever hit a kid with my car, it will be because I'm staring at my speedometer in a school zone.
Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember what I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.
Big supermarkets should have baskets placed around the store for that moment when I realize I can't carry another thing and should have taken a basket to begin with.
Humans are really bad at recharging, it takes about 8 hours charge for 16 hours of use.
An "unlimited minutes per month" phone plan really only gives you 44,640 minutes per month at best.
Siri or Cortana should say "uhm..." "uh..." "hm..." instead of showing a buffering animation.
Your dog doesn't know you can make mistakes. When you trip over him in the dark, he thinks you got up just to kick him in the head.
When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.
If cats had wings, they'd still just lay there.
1984-2000 seems a very long time compared to 2000-2016.
History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
It's sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.
Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the headstone.
Vehicles today can surf the web, link to your phone, stream music and videos, etc.. but they still can't perform a simple database lookup to tell you what the check engine light is on for.
Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.
When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription, they're just admitting they were overcharging me.
I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it
When you say 'Forward' or 'Back', your lips move in those directions.
Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969.
If someone offered to pay for my food and rent for the next 18 years, I'd do anything they ask of me. But I complained every time I took the trash out while living at my parent's house.
If I get up 10 minutes earlier than usual, I treat it like 2 extra hours and end up late for work.
What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves.
Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting.
As a kid my parents taught me to not believe everything I see on TV, now I have to teach them to not believe everything they see on Facebook.
When people think about travelling to the past, they worry about accidentally changing the present, but no one in the present really thinks they can radically change the future.
My dog understands several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
Lawyers hope you get sued, doctors hope you get sick, cops hope you're criminal, mechanics hope you have car trouble, but only a thief wishes prosperity for you.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a
roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a
clear shot of a robber standing still.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume
"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"
Why is randomly hearing your favorite song on the radio more satisfying than playing it directly from your ipod.
“Arms” is another word for guns, and “guns” is another word for arms.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?
How come when you call a wrong number, someone is always home?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of a bottle?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you arrest a mime does he have the right to remain silent?
Why aren’t apartments called togetherments?
Have you ever stopped to think … and forgot to start again?
Is it true cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?”
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If a person tells you, “its not opposite day” does that mean it is opposite day or its just not opposite day?
If a turtle didn’t have a shell, would he be homeless or naked?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!!!
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figure out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage.
Can you cry under water?
When you “bite down” on something, you’re actually “biting up” because you can’t move your top jaw.
There is a version of you re-created in minds of everyone you’ve ever met.
Wake up earlier on weekends. Now you get to sleep in for 5 days a week instead of two.
My dog keeps bringing me the same toy. I wonder if that is his favorite toy, or if he thinks it is my favorite toy.
Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed
The worst part about food poisoning is that you paid for it.
Mother’s only get a day but sharks get a whole week.
Minivans have sliding doors so children don’t open them into other cars.
Both concrete and glass are mostly made of sand which makes skyscrapers just really tall sandcastles
On a clear day you can see about 4 miles into the horizon, but on a clear night you can see light years away.
Why do people say “tuna fish” when they don’t say “beef mammal” or “chicken bird”?
If Homer Simpson were a democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be Homer Simpson (D-OH)
If I were a serial killer I would call myself “the suspense” so that the suspense would literally be killing people.
If Katniss and Peeta from Hunger Games were hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
You can always see your nose
Technically, it’s impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during a day is when you “break your fast.”
“Squawks” said backwards still sounds the same even though it’s not a palindrome
Asking someone “where are you” is a recent thing. Before we had mobile phones, the only way we could talk to people is if we knew where they were.
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
Your lips touch when you say the word “separate” but don’t touch when you say the word “together”
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips although you can tiptoe but not tipfinger
Pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time someone rang a bell.
You can’t imagine a new color
You have never seen your own face, only reflections and pictures.
THANKS TO FRANK & ELLEN SIMON FOR SENDING THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS TO ME!!!
How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
Why do they call it a TV "set" when there is only one?
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
How come noses run and feet smell?
Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher, and
dishes in the cupboard?
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO, and those sent by truck called SHIPMENT?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If money doesn't grow on trees,how come banks have branches?
Who knew what time it was when the
first clock was made
Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent,"
the S or the C?
If a poison “use-by" date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?